Who Dreads a Vacation? This Girl.

(anybody else make "trip lists" that look like this? and let me tell ya, mine trickled onto the back of the paper too. this is why jon can fit all his belongings into a carry-on and i'm dragging an 80 lb monster with me.)




Oh friends.

I have some issues.

I think my poor husband married the most spoiled, snotty brat in the world. (me)

Let me give you the short story so I can get to rambling about my erratic thoughts.

We are leaving for Jon's family reunion in Texas on Thursday morning. We will by flying there and staying for 6 days 5 nights. The first half will be held at his Aunt and Uncles home, and the rest will be at their cabin on the lake.

(Regular blog readers/followers who I love....plug your ears for a second!)

To any weird-o creepers who may be lurking in Mommy Blogger Land, waiting for us to announce our vacations so you can come and raid our homes and rob us of your possessions: I watch Dateline! I know your tricks! And I'll have you know....our VERY large and buff neighbor will be house-sitting for us and he has a VERY shiny new gun (true story), so don't even think about it!

Okay darlings...you can unplug now!
Let me tell you why I dread this trip.

When Jon first told me about this event, my first reaction was "NO! Please for the love of God don't make me go!!" Please understand this has nothing to do with his family. Not at all. It has everything to do with my never ending battles with anxiety.

You see, when I'm in my safe little world...everything is good. I can tackle just about any challenge that comes my way. But stick me on a plane, headed to a place I've never been, sitting in a seat with a wiggly toddler on my lap next to strangers I've never met, and you've got yourself a very freaked out...Zanex needing...Mamma.

I joke about my anxiety sometimes and how I'd like to be a drugged up zombie somedays, but as much as I hate to admit it...it's real. And it peeks it's ugly head during times that most human beings would think were fun and exciting to experience.

I'd LOVE to be able to think like that, I'd adore the possibility of allowing myself to just be excited and happy about the idea of a family trip to a place I've never been. I just can't. I mean, I really can't. My mind takes on the form of a nasty "Debbie Downer" who is constantly reminding me of what I fear the most...the unknown.

I hate not knowing how we will get to point A to point B. I mean, I know we will be flying on a plane, but it's all of the in between stuff that makes my pits sweat.

How will she be on the plane?

What if she has a total melt down and I can't get her to stop? Now we will be the parents everyone glares at on the way to the rest room.

What if she gets plugged ears causing her pain that essentially we inflicted on her by dragging her across the country.

What if she poops on the plane and I have to change her in that gross crowded bathroom.

What if the plane crashes? (sorry...morbid as heck, but it's a real thought of mine.)

Oh! And it doesn't end there. Here's where I go when we land...

What if our rental car is too small and we can't fit Jon's brother and girlfriend in? Or it's so crowded that Sophie is squished in the back, un comfortable and crying the whole way to his Aunt's?

What if they don't have our rental car and we have to wait 3 hours?

What if she is so crabby and out of sorts when we get there that she is mean to his family who hasn't seen her in years? This girl snaps at poor Jon sometimes, imagine how she will treat "strangers" who want to hug and kiss her after a long day of travel.

What if she refuses to sleep in her pack and play anymore? We haven't tried it since Christmas and she has grown about 6 feet since then!

What if she just won't sleep at all, and that means...I don't sleep. Meaning I'm going to be a baggy eyed, grumpy monster every day. Leaving Jon's family to wonder why he married such a witch and how that witch gave birth to the spawn of Satan.

What if we don't have a room to sleep in?! I heard that there are 25 people coming and about 3-6 "rooms", so they have rented some campers. What if we are stuck in one of the campers sharing with cousins of Jon's I've only met one time 4 years ago? Or what if I get stuck sleeping with his Grandma? This was a real suggestion offered by my husband when I asked him if there would be air conditioning! "Oh, I'm sure they will have to have A-C for Mommow (thats what they call her), you can just sleep in her room with Sophie if it's cooler." Oh REALLY honey? I can sleep next to your 80 year old Grandma on our fun-filled family vacation if we are boiling to death in the heat? Wow...sounds like paradise to me. Thanks.

The heat!! What am I going to do about the heat! 2 of my bestie blogger pals live in Texas and they have both talked about how the temp gets in the 90's by noon! Good Lord! 25 people in one cabin sucking all the A-C possible is a recipe for a sweaty-drippy disaster in my book.

The bugs! I've heard horrible stories about huge spiders, snakes and black widows now! The worst bug I'm used to is the mosquito here in MN. I can't handle being an exterminator watching for every critter that could be lurking around the corner. And of course, what if my kid gets bit by something and we have to rush her to a hospital as her legs and arms swell up like a Cabbage Patch Kid?

My anxiety is bringing me to a point where I'm this close to crossing my arms, stomping my feet and screaming "I'M NOT GOING!"

I haven't packed. Haven't even started to think about it. I'm in total denial about this whole thing. The most I've done is to make the list and pull the suitcases out of the closet. But there they sit. And there they will sit until midnight Wednesday when I'm rushing around complaining about having to pack for a trip I am don't want to go on.

Like I said, I'm a brat...I'm a snot...I'm a baby...I'm not a trooper...I'm not a team player.

Now aren't you glad you are not married to me?

Better yet, aren't you glad you are not... me !

This head of mine can be such an enemy somedays. I just hate when there is no control. And it doesn't mean I have to be the one in control...I just want to know someone is. I hate not knowing a plan, I need a plan so badly and it can be so crushing when I'm free-falling through a situation. I sweat, I get nauseous, sometimes my vision gets blurry! And it's gotten SO much worse since I've had Sophie. About a million times worse. I try not to let her see it, and if she does...I feel totally guilty that I may be influencing her behavior about change and I don't want her to be like this!

It's crazy, and embarrassing, and humbling to admit. But it's there. And thank goodness Jon knows it's not really "me" when I go to this place. It's my anxiety driven nagging Debbie Downer pal pushing me around.

Honestly the only way I can get through my week is by telling myself 2 things I made Jon promise me (even if he was lying I told him to tell me anyway):

If I absolutely can't go through with it and my anxiety is too bad, Sophie and I can stay home.

If there is no where for us to sleep but on a living room floor with our daughter who has never slept in anything but a bed, we can get a hotel room.

And this is what I tell myself over and over as I'm preparing as much as I can for this.
I'm I even a little excited? Yes. For it to be over. (sorry)
Is the pit in my stomach there all day long? Yep. All day. Dread. Dread. Dread.

Maybe I'll sing a different tune when we get back, and I know I usually do.
But tonight I'm flashing my real colors and sticking true to who I am and what I'm feeling.
So I will soldier on, like a good wife. And I'll go because it's a great chance to get to know Jon's family better and for them to see Sophie and get to love on her too.
I hope it's a break for me in some way.
I hope it's not stressful.
I hope everything works out the way it should.
I hope I'm not a raging lunatic everyone is afraid of:)

Anyone else understand even a shred of what I'm going through?

A Total Chana Overload

I have some pretty cool fellow bloggers who I happen to admire very much.

These ladies have been so kind as to share some of their much deserved awards with me!

I've wrapped up 3 different awards in this one post, so I apologize off the bat for the overload of Chana Information coming at you today!




My first award was shared with me by the darling Pumpkin and Piglet! Swing by her blog and enjoy everything from recipes, to adorable stories about her journey through motherhood!


When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

I remember wanting to be a fashion designer in 5th grade. I used to tear up my HyperColor T-shirts (remember those) and tie them up different ways thinking I was the coolest chic in middle school. I'd paint my shoes and wear different ones on each foot trying to be as distinct as possible. Too bad I was still a chubby dork:)


What is your most prized material possession?

Yikes. I'd have to say my wedding ring. Not because it's my most expensive piece of jewelry either. Mostly because of the memories connected to it. We found it on a shopping trip with my Grandma when we went to pick up some pieces she had cleaned at her jeweler. It was totally random how we came upon it...but I will never forget how she was there during that experience. It means the world to me.


Do you have an iGadgetofsomedescription?

Nope. And I'm not interested. I have had my good old Razor phone for 5 years now! Call me old fashioned, but I think there is a point where there can be TOO much technology. This generation is in a place of using the internet and connecting through social media so much that we are missing out on the real stuff in life! Just my opinion.


What is your poison - hot shower or warm bath?

Bath! I stand all day long now, getting to lay down in that fashion is like gold!


What is the best decision you ever made?

To trust my gut with my feelings about Jon. When we met, he was literally going through a divorce. Like....still living with his ex, in the process of moving out. My initial reaction was to blow him off and not deal with the drama of a guy going through a divorce at 24 years old. I was single, loving my life, why would I sign up for that mess?! But something in my soul kept pulling me toward him, and it was a connection I'd never felt before. Like the most divine peace I'd ever felt around another human being. So I went with it and started dating the "divorced dude" as my single friends would refer to him! And within 2 months we were exclusive. And within 4 months we were living together. And within 8 months we were engaged. And within 1 year we were married, he was re-married. And the rest is magic!!







Krysten might just be one of the coolest gals I know in blog world! Her little space, After I Do is an honest and wonderful depiction of her life as a wife and writer. And she shared this very sweet honor with me as well!

The rules state that I am to write 7 random things about myself:

1) I love marshmallow fluff. I could honestly eat an entire jar in one sitting. It's beyond gross, but the stuff is like crack to me!
2) I have a hair pulling thing. Ever since I was a little girl, I've twirled the same piece of hair over and over, it must be a self soothing thing. And now I see Sophie doing the same thing...not sure if it's because she watches me, or if she is the only other person on the planet who knows how awesome it feels! Oh. I'm starting to sound weird!
3) I have a tattoo that I hate! I got it when I turned 18 and it is the ugliest thing ever. Seriously, I'm beyond annoyed with it and have no plans to ever get more. Maybe someday I'll post a pic of it. Lets just say it's in a dumb place on my body and it's a dumb design that a kindergartner could have drawn and it has NO meaning to me! Other than rebellion against my mother, and in the end...she was right. I am sorry!
4) I used to have my eyebrow pierced. Another attempt to be a cool rebel. But I'm just not made for piercings and tattoos. The hole got a gross infection and a weird bubble formed over the ring in my eyebrow causing me to look like a leper. So that had to go too! I've learned my lesson with my measly attempts to be hip!
5) My husband and I talk way too much. Some nights we stay up till 2 am talking. Just gossiping and chatting the night away. We are like 2 old hens!
6) My birthday sucks. Dec 22nd is a terrible time of year for a birthday! NO ONE is thinking about you! Everyone is obsessed with Christmas and I'm stuck with the cold, freezing weather and a pile of "Christmas and Birthday" gifts. Lame!
7) I'm obsessed with feeding people. I am in a constant panic when people are over! I'm always thinking that everyone is starving and I have to be constantly offering everyone food or else I'm a terrible hostess. It stems from my grandma who has been offering me cookies, bars, bread, cake, pie since I can remember! So plan on wearing stretchy pants when you come to my house:)





Last but not least, Beka from Hold On...Love bestowed upon me this very cool award! Beka is a blunt, funny, sarcastic lady who is sure to make you swoon with her writing. She is a deep thinker, wise beyond her years- and has a blog full of inspirational quotes and wonderful recipes too!

This award requests that you write where you want to be in 10 years:

Ten years. I'll be 40. OMG. Is that for real?!
Okay, enough with the number shock. I hope in ten years that we will have 4 children. I want to be in our dream home, in our dream location. I want a flower garden and a vegetable garden. Jon's business will have taken off by then and we will be living off of his income, plus my Etsy sales! I hope to be a better mother who has that "glow" we have all seen that comes from people who are just living the life they have always wanted. I want to be happy. As happy as I am today, but in a bigger space. I want to be sewing adorable things, crafting, painting and living a life with hands covered in glitter and garden dirt. I want to be stable, doing good things in the world. Teaching my children to be grateful and to give back to society. I want to be blogging still (sorry-friends, you are stuck with me for life!) I want to be a better version of me I guess!

Okay folks, not that you choked down way too much information about me....you are free to get on with your day! Haha!

I know with these awards, comes the task of passing them along to other bloggers. But to be honest, I honestly am too tired to post links to 30 different bloggers. I know it's a total cop out but it's the truth! I've got breakfast to make:)

I do ask that you stop by the wonderful bloggers who have shared their awards with me! They are awesome ladies and you won't be dissapointed!

Truth is, I love you all, and I'd give these awards to everyone of you if I could. So if you have read this post, consider yourself an award winner! Pick which ever one interests you the most, or all 3 if you want! And share with us!

Congrats to you:)

Summer Swirl Cake Recipe

Feast your eyes on this goodness....




This cake is one of my favorite things my mom makes in the summer. Every year when the temp gets above 80 degrees on a consistent basis, my mouth starts watering for this delicious cake.

It's light.
It's airy. (I know its the same thing almost, but I had to say it)
It's fresh.
It's perfect for a hot day.
I could eat the whole pan. (I said could give me some credit, I've only eaten half a pan:)

Let me share the love:

Ingredients:
1 box of white or yellow cake mix (and everything that goes into making that cake)
1 box of strawberry jello
1 container of cool whip

Directions:

Bake the cake per box directions.

Let the cake cool before next step.

After cake has cooled, poke lots and lots of holes with a fork. Make sure you poke all the way down into the cake, not just the top. And don't be stingy with the pokes, no worries, the cake won't feel a thing.

Next boil 3/4 cup of water in the microwave or stove top. It must be boiling!

Mix packet of jello into the container of boiling water. Pour hot jello mixture all over the top of the cake, letting it seep into the holes. The top of your cake should be a pretty pink color when you are done. Make sure to evenly pour it!

Put cake in fridge and let it completely cool.

Once cooled, frost with chilled cool whip and serve!

Make sure to store your cake in the fridge, if you have any left that is!

Enjoy!

I hope you let me know if you decide to make this amazing dessert! I love to know my Morsels are bringing my friends as much happiness as they do me:)

Get your bibs on and let the drooling begin....

Friday Flip-Offs Week 4

This little nugget of goodness is from Gigi at Kludgy Mom. It's a way for us all to vent about all the things that set us off this week. I like to think of it as a cleansing ritual:) It works!

And let me get my middle fingers warmed up as I begin my weekly flip offs!

If you are feeling extra sassy and want to join in...please do!


To the lifegaurds at the beach who insist on taking a 15 min break every hour: FLIP OFF!!
I realize you guys need to take a break, and possibly check for any floating bodies in the water...but I'd like to see you TRY to explain to a 2 year old that she can't go in the water for 15 minutes! "Okay honey...lets just sit here on the beach and watch your toys perched so sweetly next to the warm perfect water. Oh no Sophie...you can't actually "play" in the water. You just get to sit here and scream and bawl because your mean horrible mother has made you sit on a towel and gaze at your most favorite place to be, but not let you touch it."
Thanks a lot for forcing me to give my child Hersheys kisses just to get her to stay on the towel for what seemed like eternity.

To my newest obsession and long lost love, Bacon: FLIP OFF!
Why do you have to be so delicious... dripping with greese and adding more cottage cheese to my thighs? I wish I never walked through the breakfast area of the store when I was hungry and craving anything that would raise my cholesterol and clog my arteries. Now I'm finding any excuse to make meals that include you, I even went so far as to suggest chocolate dipped to bacon to Jon yesterday for dessert. Because of you, I'm researching Bacon support groups online.

To the DVD player that froze up on Sophie in the car during the scariest part of "Finding Nemo": FLIP OFF! I depended on you to help me keep my childs attention span as I was driving through fog as thick as cotton candy last Monday on my way home from Wisconsin. It's a 2 hour drive and it was 10 at night, dark and scary already with the fog. I needed to concentrate on getting us home safely and you were supposed to be my partner. Instead you decided to freeze on the part of Nemo she hates the MOST, the part where we usually skip by so she doesn't have nightmares. The part where the big mean shark comes on the screen and shows his terrifying teeth. Yep, you stuck right there...leaving his horrible face staring at her in the dark, causing my daughter to scream bloody murder for 45 minutes! There was no way I could pull over or reach back and help her because I was on the freeway surrounded by semi trucks going 20 MPH trying to drive in the middle of a cloud. Luckily for you, she fell cried herself to sleep. I was about 3 seconds from throwing you out the window.

To my laundry, dishes, piles of scattered toys everywhere: FLIP OFF!! I'm sick of all 3 of you. Each one of you is haunting me in different ways and I'm going to light a match to you all and start over one of these days.

To my swimsuit...again: FLIP OFF! You know what you did. You know what happened at the beach when your strap came down...making the wholesome place a border-line nude beach. Thankfully for you, I was facing the opposite direction from from the masses of people that would have ran screaming from the beach like a swarm of people in a Jaws movie. Giving me my own little Janet Jackson moment was not what I needed for my self esteem. 22, I am not! Nobody wants to see that from me! Get it together swimsuit.

My Kid Has A Dreadlock!

Anybody want to come and help me out with this twisted gnarled dread that has formed in the back of my daughter's head?

I remember rubbing her little bald head and dreaming about the days when I'd be braiding, pony tail-ing, and sticking bows in her long perfect locks.

Never once, did I fantasize about brushing her hair.

I don't know what I thought. I mean, I have thick horse-like hair that I need to soak in conditioner for hours just to get a brush to not snap in half when I try to comb it out. (I'm not kidding, I've broken at least 10 brushes in half during my career in taming thick frizz) So I don't know why it never crossed my mind that I'd actually have to do the same for my daughter.

One night of giving her a bath, and forgetting to comb her hair before bed, and I'm left with a tangle I've never even battled on my own head! It was a thick, knotted chunk that was giving me hives just thinking about the torture of brushing it out!

I let her run around the house with it for about half a day, just because I needed a battle plan. I will sadly admit that for just ONE tiny teeennyy second- I did consider the damage it would cause to just cut it out. I did! But for just one split second! I knew this was going to be a big job so I wanted to be prepared. I needed supplies, an amazing snack, the best Little Einstein episode I could find and A LOT of leave in conditioner.

After lunch, I was ready to tackle the beast.

I had an ice cream sandwich.

I had good old "Grandma's Rocket Soup" on demand ready to go.

I had a bottle of leave in conditioner and de-tangler and a wide tooth comb.

It took about 20 min of gentle picking at this thing, but we got it. And not so much as a peep from Sophie! I was sweating by the end, but she was in her "happy place" during the whole thing. And I will say...I will never make the mistake of letting my child go to bed without brushing her wet hair! I was imagining myself walking into her bedroom and seeing Bob Marley sitting there asking me for chocolate milk!

Coming Up For Air

Oh friends.
How I've missed you!
I know it's only been 2 days without blogging, but it feels like a month!

Summer is so officially here and I'm clinging onto every possible sunny moment I can.
I'm even embracing the humid weather and forcing myself to go outside and risk the absolute fact that this hair on my head is going to frizz up into a puff ball of sad cobweb hair. Which in turn, brings back painful memories of my youth when my bangs would frizz up and roll into the shape of a sausage link on my forehead, causing me endless taunting on the dreaded school bus. But I'm pushing through!

So, lets talk about that dreaded wedding I complained about last Friday (I'd insert a link to that post here if I actually could remember how to do that....anyone wanna help a fellow blogger out with that?) I must say....it wasn't sooooo bad. It was very quaint and sweet and we really did have the best time.

The location was at the Minneapolis Public Library downtown. It was actually really cool! The best part about the whole thing was watching Sophie interpret what was going on. We just told her we were going to a "party" to keep it simple for the darling 2 year old. When we got to the library and she saw the bride, she gasped and whispered to me, "Mommy-there's the princess here!"

She said it as though she'd RSVP'd for this event months ago and she just knew her princess buddy would be here waiting for her. Like they were old pals. She ran up to her and the bride gave her a huge hug, and Sophie told her..."I'm a princess too!"
I was waiting for the two of them to pull out their princess power cards and start talking "shop"!

After that, everything was about the princess. We were at her "castle" and there were dragons outside keeping guard from any Grumpy Wizards that were going to crash the joint. We were at at birthday party for the princess and her prince and the red velvet cupcakes were made by Foofa (it's a yo gabba gabba thing) in the back just for Sophie. I swear my heart snapped in a million pieces that night from the bursts of love I'd feel for her in those moments. I was starting to see my "work" paying off. All the books we've read, all the role playing where I'd chased her around being the Grumpy Troll were all coming into play. It was like we were a part of our own G rated version of those Murder Mystery dinners. We stayed in our fantasy all night long, and it was the best wedding I've ever been to.

And the dancing.

Oh the dancing!

Is there anything cuter than little kids dancing at a wedding?
Well, there's nothing cuter to me, than my kid dancing at a wedding.

The girl danced for 2 hours. No breaks. No water. No talking.

Just laughing and dancing. She danced like I've never seen her dance before. Usually she'll throw down a little jig here and there around the house. But this was something different. Something primal. How children just know how to get joy from dancing is beyond me, but I was watching pure joy unbridled. A freedom like I'd forgotten existed was flowing from my child and it was awesome to see!

A red lollipop on the ride home just for good measure, and we did it! We made it through our first reception with a toddler. Now I'm sort of hoping to be invited to more weddings just so I can bring my kid and watch her dance! Or maybe they have "baby nightclubs?" They could serve milk and juice and goldfish crackers as apps. Close the club at 8. Hmmm....maybe I'm onto something!

(ps...yes I made sure we all matched and wore pink, I need help!)

Happy Father's Day 2010!

What a beautiful day this is turning out to be!

Well, at least in my neck of the woods it is:)

I hope all of you are enjoying and celebrating the Dad's in your lives today.

I'm spoiling mine rotten and believe me, he's soaking up every second of it! He knows this is a once a year deal over here and he'd better not get too excited thinking he's getting breakfast in bed every day!

More on that another day, when I'll feature a whole post on today.

I just wanted to take a minute to appreciate and feature ALL the Dad's in our lives.
And as I realized when I spent 30 bucks at Halmark on all the cards for today(why oh why didn't I just have time to make them myself?)....we have a lot more Fathers than most families. Most are on my side really! As a child of divorce, I've gained an extra "dad" which gives Sophie another Grandpa. We joke that Sophie has so many Grandpa's that she can't keep them straight!

So here is a little spotlight on all of the most special Dad's I have and adore in my life...
Love you all!

Friday Flip-Off's Week 3

Hmmmm...

To flashback or flip off this week?

This is always my blogging struggle on Fridays.

I thought about writing a sappy post honoring the many Dads in my life, but I am just not in a hormonal place to be diving into such emotions this week.

So flipping off it will be!



I found this little nugget of goodness from Gigi at Kludgy Mom. It's a way for us all to vent about all the things that set us off this week. I like to think of it as a cleansing ritual:) It works!


To the wedding I have to go to today: FLIP OFF!!
Who has a wedding on a Friday? Furthermore, why did you have to invite us? I've met you only once and it was for three seconds 4 years ago at our wedding. Because of you, I was forced to go to the mall and take on the horrific task of finding a dress for this event. Causing me to face some current body image issues I wasn't ready to deal with just yet! Thanks a lot! And seriously.... FLIP OFF for having a wedding downtown on a Friday during rush hour. Gimmie a break people. You better make it worth my while and have some awesome cake.


To my swimsuit: FLIP OFF!!! Of course I'm blaming this on you!You can suck it for making me look 9 months pregnant when I wear you. Yes, it's YOUR fault that my belly looks like it's hosting an 8 lb human inside it. Yes, it's YOUR FAULT that I care more about how cute my swimsuit cover is than the actual swim suit. Yes, it is YOUR fault that you ride up my butt causing me to waddle and pick you about every 5 seconds. You suck.


My hair: FLIP OFF!!! Seriously. Why do you have to grow so fast? It's only been a month and I can see the start of some very nasty trailer park/white trash dark roots peeking through. I love being fake blonde, but HATE looking the dark black line that forms along my scalp just weeks after my appointment. Ugh. And the frizz? Can ya just give it a rest already? Why do you force me to curl my hair for 45 minutes just so I can look like a normal person? I've never been able to enjoy the feeling of just letting you air dry after a shower, if I were to leave the house like that I'd look like Carrot Top if he brushed his hair out.

Ah...and breathe deep!

Our First Trip to the E.R

I'm interrupting your regularly scheduled blog for a minute or two:

I can't even tell you how thankful I am for all the amazing comments I received on my post Monday about blog guilt. It's always the posts where I cringe when I hit publish and think, "I'm being a total baby." where I receive the most rewarding comments. Reading such sweet sentiments felt like I was 50 lbs lighter (now...if only that were real!) I don't know if I just needed to hear that it was okay to feel that way or what, but it helped so much. So much that I took yesterday off without an ounce of guilt.
And that felt awesome.
Thank you all SO much!




Now...on to my actual post!



Oh yes...don't rub your eyes, this is what you think it is.
My darling daughter had to be taken to the Emergency Room a few weeks ago.
And it was because of me.

Before you call social services on me, let me explain.
After our evening walk, it was time to get Sophie out of the stroller. I had her wrap her fingers around my fingers and I pulled her out by her hands. I felt the most faint little "pop" from her left arm and very quickly heard a scream. She was holding her elbow and crying those horrible sobs where the heaving keeps you from breathing. I knew instantly that I was the cause of this horrible pain.

Let the guilt flood in.
Blogger guilt was nothing compared to this guilt.
There is no feeling in the world like knowing the cause of your child's pain is 100% your fault.

The stabbing of my heart happened in the car on the way to the ER. Jon was driving and I was holding her like a baby in the back (car seat was not an option since she couldn't move her arm). All the way to the hospital, between sobs, she would look at me and go..."I'm sorry for this Mommy!" over and over again.

Um....are you kidding me?

I popped your arm out of place and YOU are apologizing to ME?
I wanted to die. At this point I was crying too. I told Jon to drop me off at the prison on the way by because I was a child abuser and don't deserve to be a mother. He did his usual tactic of completely ignoring me when I go to my crazy place.

Turns out she has something called "Nursemaids elbow". Something about her joints being loose because of her age and the fact that she is growing. Something about how slight movements like that can cause this. Something about how it's very common with children under 4. Something about how it is more likely to happen again now that it's happened to her once.

It was hard to hear all the information with the screaming in my ear, and choking back my guilt sobs as well. So good thing Jon was there to soak all that in. All I was thinking was "How are you going to fix this?!" X-ray's? A sling? A cast?

OhmyGodwhatdidIdo?

Imagine my relief when I was told it would be a simple procedure of him rotating her arm and doing some sort of popping motion with her elbow.

A twist, a turn and a pop, and it was over.

And I'm not kidding, almost instantly....she stopped crying.
It was over! She jumped off the bed with me and wanted to go home, and cash in on her ice cream promise I made to her over and over. Funny how she didn't forget that during her trauma!

I was right behind her almost running to the door. I have a total phobia of being in a hospital with my child. Something about it feels so wrong!

On the way home, I made good on my promise:



And just because I was feeling some lingering residual guilt, I persuaded Jon to get her the toddler bed we've been blowing off for a few weeks.
She loves it so much and feels so grown up in her big girl bed now!



At least she still loves me! And things are right back as they should be, I'm back to seeing this face looking at me! Pure Heaven. It seems she has almost no memory of me pulling her arm out of it's socket and begging to be taken to prison. Thank goodness for that!

Blog Guilt

Sometimes I feel like if I miss a day blogging that I'm a "bad" blogger. I skipped yesterday's post because I just didn't feel like "pluggin in" ya know?

We all joke that blogging is an addiction, and as funny and cheeky as that sounds, it really is for me! I love everything about it, and I adore that my laptop can be a portal for me to find some human interaction. And if I open my computer in the morning, I spend no less than an hour or so breezing through every one's posts, commenting, checking my comments ect. Sometimes more than an hour, depending on the day. I have complete blog guilt. If I read Lacy's post, then I have to read Courtneys, and so on. And of course I have to comment on every one's post who commented on mine. I can't comment on Beka's post and not Alyssa's. I can't look at my blog roll and just "skim" it-cherry picking those which catch my eye...because, they all catch my eye! And after my blogger time, I find myself swinging through facebook to read status updates and catch up on pictures. After facebook, I check my e-mail again and click over to some of my trashy blogs (yes I mean perez).

All the while, I have a little face peering over the top of my screen. Two big blue eyes, a button nose, and fingers curled covering my search bar .
"Mommy- you done yet? Can you play with me now?" or "Mommy- I shut your computer."

I'm sure a lot of you Mamma blogger struggle to find the balance between parenting and blogging! Haha! I know I do. I have sort of caved to the idea that I will always feel guilty no matter what I do! Unless I'm sitting next to her on the floor lining up her Polly Pockets, I'm going to feel like a bad mom who ignores her kid.

I tend to take treasures and turn them into "tasks". I will take something that is really special and meaningful to me and turn it into something to draw a line through on my "to-do" list. I see myself doing it with Sophie, and Jon too sometimes.
Sophie:
Change diaper- check
Make Breakfast- check
Read book- check
Go To Park- check
Healthy Snack- check

Jon:
Fold the laundry- check
Make Dinner- check
Ask About Work- check
Keep House Picked Up- check

You get the drift. All the while I'm crossing things off, I'm forgetting what I'm really doing. I'm being a mother. A wife. I'm in the middle of our lives and I'm not even really paying attention to the moments, just wiping them off a dry erase board.
Not okay!

And I can feel myself starting this same behavior with my blog.
Monday I have to link up to Manic Monday with Sarah
Tuesday I should post a recipe.
Wed I gotta mention the awards "so and so" gave me.
Thurs I need something to link up to Courtneys Fav Things
Friday I need a flashback or a flip off.

It was becoming very mechanical and I know that feeling all too well. So I'm giving myself a major check and trying to remember why I started blogging in the first place. Before all the link-ups and photo challenges, and blog hops.

I place these dumb expectations on myself to complete tasks that don't even exist!

Yesterday I just told myself I was just going to live my life a little so I'd actually have something to blog about this week. A lot of times, I find myself tuning into everyone else's worlds so much...that I ignore mine.

Thanks for the vent! I know one of you out there has to understand!

So on that note, I'll leave you with some random cute pics of my kid! I put her in a dress I have been dying for her to wear, and when we tried it on...it was too tight! It bummed me out so much because I even made her a headband to match it! Argh!