She Can't Be Three

This has been a post I've been dreading for months. Correction: This is an event I've been dreading for months. I don't know what it was about her turning three that was such a source of panic for me. It's the never ending feeling of "there she goes," swimming in my head with each passing month. So many times I've wanted to sit on her to keep her from growing and going. Now, I do realize how crazy that sounds. But these are the wails of a mama who didn't have any idea how fast this would go.

And now she's three.

There was nothing I could do to stop it. Nothing I could say to bribe it. Time did it's thing and slapped me with another reality check. This I can not control. Each year with her I'm in awe for so many different  reasons. The first and always most intense is: "We did it!"

We made it through another year! She survived. We survived. We got knocked down and got back up and we are stronger than we were. I usually reflect on the lessons of the previous 12 months and am always shocked at how we are always elevated to a whole new level of parenting. As she becomes a confident young lady, we become more confident parents and we grow and change and learn together. It's a beautiful thing.

I still hate the growing up part though. I don't care if I sound crazy! It's so amazing to watch her become her own person. It's rewarding to see her discover and challenge herself. I try to be so filled with gratitude when she tells me, "I can do it myself now Mommy, I'm a big girl!"  In those moments, there is a satisfied chunk of me who can see her hard work paying off. Yet, there is a bigger chunk of me that has to deal with the fact that soon, and sooner than I can even begin to imagine...she will be saying that about everything.

What is it they say?

"We give them roots and wings"

I try to repeat that mantra to myself daily as I find myself struggling with the parts of parenting I didn't realize would creep up on me. The parts where I fear the unknown. The parts where I fear that I didn't appreciate these precious years enough. The parts where I get too caught up in the distractions and don't stop to fill my gratitude journal with everything God has blessed us with.

In the last three years with her, I have had the most powerful moments of my life. And I still can't believe God choose me to be her mom.

She's so cool.

And I'm not just saying that because she's my kid. She really is so cool. She's the best of everything I could have imagined and so much more. More than anything in this world I want to just make sure I spend every moment I can muster telling her how acknowledged she is in our lives. I want her to know in her bones how supported she is. I want her to feel like she can jump as high and all as many times as she wants, because she will always have a soft place to land.

And I'll bite my tongue and let the tears fall in my bathroom when I see her stepping out on her own. Because I will know it was my hard work and devotion to her soul that created her confidence. It's the bitter in the sweet no one could have prepared me for.

I know some who can't understand may be saying. "It's just Three! She's still little!!" 

No.  

This is little. This little baby used to rest her head on my shoulder and I'd rock her to sleep for hours. This little baby used to twirl my hair in her hand and suck on it when she was tired. This little baby could only grunt and point when she wanted something. This little baby used to smell like formula and baby powder. This little baby used to sleep on her tummy with her thumb in her mouth. This little baby used to think peek a boo with a blanket was as thrilling as a ride at Disney Land. This little baby had nothing else in her world besides me and Jon. She didn't know where we were going, what we were doing, as long as we were there...she was fine.

Now she's a little girl. 

She is becoming her own person right before my eyes. I will cling to the moments I know we share. I'm lucky that we do still have our own little "things" that are just Mamma and Sophie's.  And I will suck every last drop from each and every one of them until there are none left!

I hope she still lets me blow her 4 kisses before I leave her room for bedtime. 

One big one.
Two for each cheek
One for under her pillow to save for later. 

I hope she still lets me hold her on my lap in the morning for the first ten minutes she's waking up.

I hope she still wants me to make her chocolate milk because I make it "Da Best."  

I hope she still wants me to kiss Ted (her bear) on his nose before bed.

I hope she still requests I turn up the radio and sing along when we're in the car.

I hope she still lets me play princess with her, even if I have to be fat ugly Ursala every time and she's always Ariel.

I hope she still reaches for my hand when we pray at dinner.



Most of all, I hope she's remembering all of this. Even if it's not on a conscience level where she'll have real memories of our life. I hope it's soaking into her soul and the feelings will be familiar to her. I hope I've injected so much love and support into her DNA that every time she thinks about her family.....her heart will swell and she will just know what a blessing she is to us and this world.

My greatest wish for all my children, (and my husband) is that I made them feel and know that they matter. I have this tiny itty bitty window of time to plant these seeds before I let her go into the world where there is influence beyond my own. I don't take this job lightly!

This is God's work we do as Mothers.

As we turn the corner to another year that will slip away from me. I'll allow myself just one day to sulk in my Pity Party pants.

just one day.

My girl is Three.

Deep Breaths.

A Vlog: Me, My Hubby and his Secret Admirer

Well my friends, the time is here.

Just as I promised... I have a Vlog post for all of you featuring my husband and myself!

The Back Story:

Jon received a very strange love poem in the mail at work a few weeks ago. It was mailed with no return address and his two male co-workers in the office each got a copy as well. My husband is the property manager where we live and his employees, Eddy and Brian both work in the office leasing apartments and helping the residents. We are unsure if this poem is from an actual resident, or maybe a prospect they took on an apartment show. Or if it is just a sick funny joke from a friend!

Either way, I forced Jon to read it in a vlog form so I could share with you guys just how funny this poem is! It's so over the top and corney it can't be real! Please tell me what you think! 

About the Vlog:

I fidget way too much. I kept obsessing that my boobs were hanging out the top of my dress. These boobies are getting out of control at 6.5 months along! Forgive me!

Also, I didn't realize we are out of focus and the bottom of Sophie's pink chair is totally showing in the video. And our comforter is crooked and you can see the picture frames in the back ground of my living room!

Oh well!

I'm just happy I got my man to sit next to me so you can see us in our usual rare form. Total dorks. And he's cracking me up like he always does.

Enjoy! (and it's just about 3 min long! yeah!)

And just as promised: Here I am, frozen in time with my double chin staring to see if my nipples are hanging out! Awesome! Thanks YouTube!

I Have A New Blog Design!

Yeah!!

The time has come to finally reveal my new look!

After a month of work (well, not really "work" more like awesome design fun!), I feel I have the space that reflects who I am at this point in my "blogging life".

I told Shalon of Pretty Lovely Designs that I wanted the look to be "vintage chic". I gave her some pointers of technical things I wanted changed and the rest of the beauty came from her. She really is the most amazing friend/artist I know and I'm so blessed to have her in my blog corner!

Would you like a tour?

Go ahead and scroll around!

I've switched to a 2 column layout to create more space for larger photos.

I have new photos uploaded in our "about" pages in the navigation bar.

I have a whole new categories section, no longer rocking the "cloud". Shalon came up with an awesome idea to create tabs of more simple category topics.

Archives are now in my navigation bar.

I have a special button created that links you directly to my Vlog posts, as I plan on doing a TON more! 

Blog Love buttons will all be posted in my navigation bar (don't worry if you don't see yours yet...I'm still adding!)

NEW BUTTON!!  Will you please update your button of mine if you have it on your blog? Pretty please? The anal Chana is freaking out thinking of my old button floating along in the internet!

And there you have it!

The official tour. I hope you enjoy!

Here is some random stuff about this week:

Sophie's 3rd birthday is Wednesday and her birthday party is Saturday!

Chelsey from The Paper Mama designed Sophie's invite this year! Isn't it so cute?!

So this week I will be running around like a crazy lady, getting all her decorations ready for the party. We're doing a "princess theme" so we have crowns to design, garland to make, cake pops to roll, prizes to wrap up, posters to make and so much more. I have every intention of blogging about it along the way, but you all know how it goes sometimes:)

I have the FUNNIEST vlog post from Jon and I to post this week! I've been waiting to post until the new look was uploaded. I can't wait to show you guys, I begged him to do it and dare I say he enjoyed it. So keep checking back if you want to see me and my hubby in video form!

Also:

Some crap-tastic sort of virus has attacked my "side" of the computer. When you log in as me, you are un able to access the internet or any of my photos. So today, and until I get it fixed....I'm logged in on Jon's "side" which has no photos and none of my programs for editing that I use. Should be quite an interesting week! Man I hate technology sometimes!  If anyone has ever heard of this or has any advice, please let us know! I feel lost! Again, maybe another sign I need to step away from the Net this week? Hmmmm....

Why I Almost Quit Blogging

 Awhile ago, I wrote a post about change.

Needing change. Wanting change. Craving change on the deepest level of my conscience.

I wasn't sure exactly how I was going to achieve this, but I knew I had to have it.

Something was tugging at me, way down in my soul and I couldn't really pick apart where it was coming from. I knew I felt "off" and that I was feeling a bit cornered in my own life. The days were flying by me and I was left spinning at the end, wondering to myself  "just what did I get accomplished today?"

At first I thought maybe we needed to move. Our apartment gets cramped very fast, with the toys and clothes and pieces of life that get thrown about. Indeed we need more space. So I prayed about that, "God...do we need to move? Is it time to find a house?",  I let it marinate for a day or so and realized.....nope.  Not yet. Jon working on site provides our family with a wonderful discount on rent and saves us hundreds of dollars in gas money a month since he doesn't have to drive anywhere. It is the only reason I get to be a stay at home mom. We need to pay a few more debts off and save a bit more money before we take that leap.

Okay?

So what is it?

One morning I woke up, and found that my entire blog list I follow was wiped clean. Gone. Disappeared. I sat there staring at my empty dashboard and thought, "Well this sucks. How will I ever begin to remember everyone and start from scratch again? How will I survive without my daily peek into everyone's lives?"

And the next day...it came back. And I was relieved.

Then, my facebook wouldn't allow me to log in. It refused my password and said I need to create a new account? WHAT? You have got to be kidding me! I left it alone for a day, and came back to find it back to normal.

A day later...the same thing happened with my email. It told me that someone had been trying to log in as me and I needed to create a new password. You gotta be kidding me. So I did it. And waited and everything worked out fine.

Then...my blogger list got cleaned out again, and I was staring at an empty dashboard for the second time. This time it was for almost a week. The difference was, this time....instead of becoming a frantic beast determined to get back every one of the blogs I followed, I just let it be. I was almost relieved?

Aaaaand then the biggie happened. Blogger completely shut down for almost 2 days. Gone. Poof. Done.

And it hit me.

It's the Internet sucking the life out of me.

I'm a huge believer in signs. I often look way too deeply into situations that may not even have significant meaning. But when you are trying your best to keep your ear close to the Lords message, you look where ever you can for answers. In this case, I needed a few "wake up calls" before I got the hint. Everyday something would happen to a website that would literally take hours away from myself and my family. And I didn't even pick up on it! Now I don't know about you, but that was God shaking me awake, and trying His best to answer my question.

Something had to change.

So I prayed that He would show me where to go with this. I knew I couldn't give up facebook completely (well...I COULD, but it would break my mom's heart who lives and breathes for the Sophie pics I post)

Email, well I barely linger there.

So that left blogging. It seemed so silly to pray to God about my blog, but that's what I did. I really just needed guidance on a direction for it. I needed to figure out why I was doing it, who I was doing it for, and how was it benefiting my family?

Those weeks I blogged just once a week. I didn't have any blogs in my dashboard to follow, so I didn't even read anyone else's blogs! It was strangely freeing. It reminded me of the days when I was a "lurker" and I had no followers. I could just write my post, and be on my merry way for the day with no guilt at all! I kind of loved it.

I also realized that I hadn't written in my real journal for over a year. Right about the time I started this blog, I gave up my hand written journals. Something I have been doing since I was 9 years old. I honestly have almost 100 journals filled with my handwriting. I even started one just for Sophie when she was born. I'd write to her everyday, much like I do here. But the pages from the last year have remained empty and that made me sad.

 (these are a few of the pages from my Sophie journal I started just 3 years ago)

Because as much as I love blogging, something about it was turning me off. It was starting to feel very contrived. Like I was trying too hard. I can't really explain what shift happened inside of me, but I began to almost dread it. For me, and my direction, it started to feel not authentic. I found myself wanting to hold back. And save certain moments just for Sophie and our family. I didn't feel like sharing everything anymore. And I didn't feel like writing any "filler" posts just to feel good about writing something.

I got stage fright. 


I missed writing just for us

I wanted Sophie to have something just for herself and I started to wonder, what if she hated me for sharing her life with the world? What if she becomes a very private young lady and didn't appreciate me spilling every potty story, tantrum fit, and milestone of her life? The guilt started to sink in and I realized that I just may be over it.

So I continued in my prayer. Asking God if I should quit once and for all? And as I waited for a sign, or feeling. A few things happened.

My blog designer emailed me with a sample of a new blog design she came up with. I totally new look. An absolute fresh design with no ties to my previous space. And I got warm and fuzzy. It is amazing.

A good talk with my friend Alyssa, helped me to realize I needed better time management. I could no longer just sit down at the computer. I need to schedule a time frame allowed and stick to it.

I realized I needed to cut back on the posts and get back to hand writing in my journals. If I still wrote to Sophie in her own book, I won't feel as guilty about her not having her own personal stories from her mother.  I don't need to write 5 days a week on my blog.

Two days a week, absolutely no internet.  These days can be varied depending on the week. Believe it or not, it was just 5 years ago I lived on my own in my apartment and I had no internet. Sometimes I would go a month without checking my email. It can be done. And I need to do it.

And I also realized that blogging wasn't just for my daughter, or our families memories. It was for me too. Blogging has taught me about sewing, editing photos, photography, crafting, and cooking. I have made friends that I know will be life long and I will depend on forever. Blogging has helped me through my child's first flu, my miscarriage, and count less insecure moments. There are no words for the impact it has made on my life. Staying home can be so lonely, but blogging helped me feel alive, and relevant again as myself. Something I could never have imagined. It brought back my "cool Chana"  who was buried beneath the rubble of diapers and spit up.

So in the end. I'm not giving up. I'm just cutting back.

I will have my new blog design soon and in that space I will create a different direction. One that is more relaxed and less competitive. One that will be more authentic. I'm not sure if there will be a specific "direction" but I know I won't be putting any pressure on myself to create one. I will just let it be. Some weeks may have one post and some may have 7. Only time will tell.

But I do hope you stick around for the ride! As we are all in this together, finding our way and often shining the light for others. We're all growing and evolving and searching for more in this world. I'm no different.

And I'm happy to be here.

 This was a page out of my journal from when I was 21 years old. I've leaned on it for so may re-births.

I used it every time I quit a job, not knowing where I was going to work next. 

I used it every time I broke up with a lame boyfriend, knowing i deserved better but still wondering if I'd die alone.

I used it every time I put a notice to vacate on an apartment I lived in, not knowing where I was going to live next.


I used it when I said "yes" to a marriage proposal from Jon, having only dated 8 months, but believing with all my heart that a marriage between us would be nothing less then magical.


I used it when we made the choice to start trying to conceive Sophie.


I used it when we started trying to get pregnant after months of healing from our miscarriage last summer.


I used it when this tiny idea to start a blog popped into my head over a year ago.

I used it when I began my quest to learn photography.


And I'll use it now, as I usher in my new blog, new child and new lady I'm sure to become from all of these changes.

I kind of get a kick that the 21 year old Chana is still guiding and inspiring the 31 year old Chana. Life is funny.

Sophie Makes Soup

It's been a delightful challenge transitioning into this new world.

The world I'm speaking of is one of raising a little girl.

I really expected my child would stay a baby forever. I know every mom says that, but I really believed I'd be the only mom who gave birth to the worlds first "forever baby."

Sadly I'm realizing that is just not the case. I've got a little girl on my hands over here. One that is just weeks from being 3. I honestly can't even touch that subject at the moment for fear my tears will soak my keyboard and crash my computer. So we'll leave that for another day.

This little girl constantly asks questions. She wants reason and excuses for every decision we make now. "Because Mommy said so", doesn't do the trick anymore. She wants to know why we make the choices we do. She wants to know where we're going, what we will do when we get there, who will we see there, and when will we be back. I never stop talking. Ever. But it's welcomed because I do realize I'm her teacher. It's my job to help her feel secure in her world and offer as much information as she needs to grasp what our lives are.

Her newest thing is telling me she's "bored" all the time.

"Mommy, I'm bored."

I hear that phrase about 50 times a day. She stretches my creativity to the limits, causing me to come up with new variations of stimulation at the drop of a hat.

This day, I came up with the idea of letting her make "soup."

We tore apart the cupboards looking for ingredients for her soup. I found some expired crackers, old oatmeal packets, sprinkles that I hadn't used in over a year. We picked some "magic flowers" (aka: dandelions)  because no soup would be complete without fresh flowers with magic petals!

And away she went!

This is how Mommy got 4 loads of laundry folded and put away in an hour!


Sadly, this is also how mommy attracted every wicked squirrel on the property who came in hoards waiting for us to throw cracker crumbs at them.


So we did.

Big Mistake.

Now they refuse to leave and have taken over our deck as their own personal "soup kitchen", no pun intended. Every day I open our blinds and see at least 4 of them staring back at me wondering when they will be served.

ugh.

What can you do?

My Big Fat Baby Belly- For Your Delight

It is time.

It's the time I showcase this round bulging bump that is resting on my thighs as I type this.

I don't have one single photo of me from when I was pregnant with Sophie. They all  got lost in the "Great Computer Crash" of 2009. It's a dreadful time we don't speak of. We lost every photo from Sophie's first year of life as well. Yuck. I don't want to think about it!

Anyway....this pregnancy I decided I'd make an effort to snap at least one shot of myself while I'm pregnant.  I love photos of my mom when she was pregnant with me. I have seen only one, a very yellow tinted Polaroid where my mom is sitting at the kitchen table in my grandma's house. She was just 19 years old (ohmygosh....nineteen?), her hair was very stylishly frizzed in that classic 70's look. She was wearing a purple sweater, hands resting on her belly. I love that photo.

In my attempts at creating never ending memories for our children... I forced a curling iron to my hair, blush to my cheeks, slapped a dress on and hauled my butt outside. I've trained the hubby well, and I have to say he did a pretty good job!

Hello Brewing Baby Wood!

There you go folks. The real deal. Ain't no getting around it anymore, the strange "Is that lady fat? Or pregnant?" looks have now crossed into "That lady is really pregnant." glances.

And I love it!

This pregnancy is more than I could have asked for. It really is just as easy as pie. Not much morning sickness, hardly any heart burn, a few back cramps....but that's it! I know I shouldn't count my eggs before they are hatched over here...but dare I say, I'm enjoying being pregnant?


I believe I shall!

I'm enjoying being pregnant!

It's been a delight, and maybe that extra sweetness came from the miscarriage we suffered last summer? Maybe I'm just a little more aware if how precious it is to create life? I'm not sure. Either way. I'm soaking it up, because it's flying by! Only 3 more months to go!

Lets see if I'm singing the same tune when I'm 3 weeks from being due? Only time will tell!

But when I'm complaining about the heartburn, back pain, hemorrhoids , swollen feet, and constipation....will you all be dear friends and remind me of this post/day?

Because this day right here? This was a beautiful day to be a pregnant Chana.

Change

Hi Friends.

Long time, no blog!

It's funny because I have so much to say yet....I'm just not ready to "go there" you know? And I totally feel like a teenage drama queen right now.  It's nothing earth shaking, or life threatening, or major like that. No divorce or sick children or death. Just a feeling that's been weighing on my heart, pushing me toward a change that I haven't really processed yet. Actually, I'm still not sure where this change is leading me- which is why I'm still hesitant to really express anything about it here at the moment.

I'm marinating, lets say. I'm trying to sit very still and really breathe in whatever this feeling is. I've had this feeling before, it's the same wave that would hit me right before I knew I had to quit a job. It's the feeling I'd get when I knew it was time to break up with my boyfriend. It's the feeling I'd get when I knew it was time to move out of my apartment (something I did 10 times in 9 years). It's my soul pressing me toward change, telling me something new is on the horizon. And I know just what to do when this familiar sensation plants it's self in my conscience.

I wait.
I pray.
I listen.

And that's the place I'll be in until I log on to Blogger again.

More on that to come! I promise!

For now, I'm documenting a very typical story in our household. We are a weird crew, in case you haven't noticed. All of us, including my daughter and I'm sure my fetus will follow....have very very strange, sick senses of humor. You've been warned.

 Meet Greensie. Sophie named her. And I know the doll looks totally freaky. She was a dollar store find, and when you cost only a dollar....I guess your eyeballs tend to fall out. I mean for a buck I can't really expect her to last that long. It took less than a week for both eyes to plunk back into her head causing her to rattle when you shake her.

We had to come up with a solution so we found some left over jelly beans and plopped them in her eye sockets. I will say, I am not the one who came up with the even creepier black drawings on the eyes. That was all Jon and Sophie. I simply picked out the jelly beans, because believe it or not...the empty eye sockets were even worse than what you are looking at here. 

And there you have it. Sophie is thrilled with her new freaky friend. She loves to chase us around the house with her screaming "Greensie is looking at you!"


Greensie, is NOT allowed in Sophie's bedroom after dark though...per her request. And I can't blame her!